Fuck Me Like a Burger...

I recently had my first red meat in five years (by recommendation of my acupuncturist) in the form of a very over-sized hamburger. It was 1/2 pound of 100% Niman Ranch ground beef, perfectly cooked (like I know what that is), seeping with grease, and topped with a number of extravagant garnishings (fuck yea avocado). It was messy as all hell to eat. I couldn't get the damn thing to sit still in my hands. However, I managed to devour the entire meal...and some of my girlfriends curly fries.

It was done: I had found the missing link to my nutritional bliss. After many months of feeling as though I had misplaced my mojo, and constantly questioning what magical additive could restore the integrity of my life (a new bed? a new adventure? some sugar?) I had an epiphany: All I needed was some good old fashioned lovin'...in the form of expertly grilled animal flesh.

The whole experience was so much to process, that I wonder how the usual carnivores do it? How do they eat an intense piece of meat like that and be ready for more the next day? Even the next meal?? I understand they have grown accustomed to a certain level of protein, iron, cholesterol, and all that. However, I think there is more to this minutely predatory act than just those minor details. Consuming this burger was like eating life-force. Fucking qi and shit. Yup, some cow's qi went straight into my veins and made me feel like I could fly.

After I flew home (and indulged in some M&M's) I crawled into bed and fell into a deep, euphoric, bovine-induced coma. The sweet contented slumber of a woman who just got seriously fucked. It's a dramatic but honest comparison: eating this meat appeased my appetite almost as much as a good hard orgasm. In fact, had you put a man in front of me at that burger joint, slathered him in BBQ sauce, I may not have known the difference. Yes, this proverbial meat patty, was much needed sex, for my metabolic libido.

So what's there to do after a burger like that? Have another one. Yes, sometime next week I will be grossly spoiling myself in, what I estimate to be, a monthly excursion in carnivorous dining. In the meantime, I might have to go find man, in order to satisfy my craving for beef.